Joshua Part 4 - Jericho

Now we come to probably the most famous part of Joshua's life - Jericho.  This story has been talked about several times and I know that Veggie Tales made a skit about it but here is my rendition of the story.

Joshua finally got the people of Israel across the Jordan river.  Now they had entered the Promised Land.  God had been telling them for 40 years that they would get to this land and the time had finally arrived.  As I stated in the last post, they were facing a tremendous challenge when they got there.  There were seven nations occupying their land and each of these nations was more powerful than Israel.  But Joshua had God on his side so he was determined to conquer the land.

Throughout the first several books of the Bible, we see that while God is certainly a God that can do miracles, the Israelites learn much about tactics and how to do things militarily.  Fortunately for Joshua, this is not his first campaign as their military leader and he is at home fighting wars.  So Joshua sends out a couple of guys to do reconnaissance of the land.  He needed to know what he was up against and these guys were to go take a look and give him a report on the land.  While the two guys were spying out Jericho, they came across a woman named Rahab and they stayed with her.  It's interesting that Rahab was a prostitute.

Well the king of Jericho finds out that the Israelites stayed at Rahab's house and he isn't real happy about it so he sends some people to pick the two spies up.  Rahab hides them.  Somehow she knows that the Israelites will be victorious so she makes them promise to spare her family when they invade the city even though the city has real high walls that make it almost impossible to attack and win an easy victory.  The spies give her a scarlet string and tell her to tie it to her window when the attack happens.  Anyone in her house will be spared but everyone else is going down.  They leave and tell Joshua all the found.

So Joshua loads everyone up and they prepare to cross the Jordan river which is at it's flood level.  Joshua has the people carrying the Ark of the Covenant go first.  Now as soon as their feet touch the edge of the water, the Lord stops the water from flowing and everyone crosses.  The instant that the last of the people's feet touch the other side of the river, it starts flooding again.  So the children of Israel camped on the other side of the Jordan river.  The day the pitched camp was the last day that the Lord sent them manna from heaven for food. 

Now while Joshua was standing around, he looked up and there was a man standing there with his sword drawn.  Joshua fell down on his face before the man and asked if he was friend or enemy.  The man was the captain of the Lord's army.  He was an angel.  Now Israel had surrounded the city so that no one could get in or out and the angel said the Lord is giving you this city.  Then the angel gives him the strangest battle plan ever used on a battle field.  Here is what he tells Joshua to do.  I want you to get some priests and the whole army and I want you to walk around the city once.  Do this each day for the six days.  On the seventh day, I want you to walk around the city seven times.  On the seventh time, the priests will blow their horns and everyone give a loud shout.  When that happens, the wall of Jericho will fall down and you can rush in to capture the city.

I don't know about you but this doesn't make much sense to me.  If the angel had said, I'm going to call in the heavenly Navy Seals and they are going to blow the walls apart with explosives then I'm going to hit the whole city with a bunch of bombs from a bomber, that would make sense.  But we need to learn a lesson.  God's thoughts are higher than ours and many times what He tells us to do won't make sense to us.  But if we know it's Him, we need to follow His directions. 

Fortunately for them, the Israelites did exactly what God told them to do through Joshua and just like He said it would, on the seventh trip around of the seventh day, when the people shouted and the priest blew the horns, the wall fell down flat and Israel captured the city!

Joshua went on to help the children of Israel conquer the promised land and while I could say much more about it, I am going to stop right here.

That's another of the Minion's Bible Stories.

Joshua Part 2

Let's continue with our story of Joshua.  This has been very interesting for me so far because I started out thinking we would talk about Joshua and the wall of Jericho.  We will get to that in time but I am really learning a lot about his character as we go.  Joshua was constantly around Moses.  He was learning everything he could about how the Lord, through Moses, led the children of Israel.  Joshua seemed to be the type of guy who would do anything that Moses told him to do.

Now we know that the children of Israel left Egypt and they were headed for what the Lord called the Promise land.  That land was a good land and it is actually where the children of Israel came from before they went to Egypt.  But it had been about 400 years since they had been to their homeland and they were on their way back to it.

Now when they got to the edge of the Promised land (also called Canaan) Moses sent people to go check out the land.  He sent one man from each of the twelve different tribes of Israel.  Guess who was one of the twelve?  Yup, it was Joshua.  So these twelve guys head out to check the place out.  Moses knows they will have to invade the place so he wants to know stuff like whether the people live in tents or in forts, if there is a lot of wood and if there is any food.  These guys come into the land and they find a ton of food.  As a matter of fact, they cut down this big cluster of grapes that is so big it takes two of them to carry it.  That's a lot of grapes.  They also brought back pomegranates and figs.  The guys came back to Moses after they searched the whole country for 40 days.

Everyone of the twelve said it was a really cool place with plenty of food and that it would be a great place to live.  But here is where things get a little interesting.  Ten of the twelve guys came back and said, "Dude, there are giants living in that place.  These are the biggest dudes we have ever seen.  Some of them are really famous and there is no way on earth we could ever beat them.  We can't make them leave our land.  We aren't good enough to do it.  We even saw these giants called the sons of Anak.  After seeing them we looked at ourselves and we thought we were just little grasshoppers.  Also, they thought we were grasshoppers too and they know that beat us up."  This is the Minion translation of what the bible says.

So everyone in the whole nation of Israel freaks out.  They get all worked up and then they get mad at God.  They say, "God should have just let us die in Egypt or in the wilderness.  The Lord just brought here so these people could kill us with a sword and take our kids captive.  Maybe we should get rid of Moses and Aaron and find someone who will lead us back to Egypt."  Now God told these people that they were supposed to go and take this land back for them to live in.  He even gave them several things that he wanted them to do when they lived there.  But they were so afraid because of what ten of the men said about the land that they trusted these men's words much more than they trusted God's word.  That doesn't make a lot of sense does it?  If God tells us to do something, even if it seems impossible, He will make it happen because He says he will.

Now Moses and Aaron are pretty upset so they fell down on their faces before the nation.  It would probably be a good thing if our top politicians and our top Christian leaders got on their face to pray to God about what to do with our nation.  Notice I said that only ten of the twelve had bad stuff to say about the Promised land.  By the way, the Promised land is the country that we call Israel today.  Anyway, there were two guys who had something different to say.  One was Caleb.  Guess who the other was?  Yup, it was Joshua.  They stood up before all the people and said, "This is a great place to live.  If God told us to go take this land then He will make sure we do it regardless of the giants that live there.  It's a good land.  But we need to be careful now.  We can't rebel against what God said to us.  Dudes, don't be afraid of these wimps.  It doesn't matter how big they are.  They can't defend themselves against us because God is going to kick them out.  God is with us."

But these folks wouldn't listen and they wanted to stone Joshua and Caleb to death.  The Israelites were kind of mean weren't they.  We will hear more about the children of Israel and Joshua next week but for now I want to leave you with a few things we have learned about Joshua in this post.

First of all, Joshua did what his leader Moses told him to do.  Think about it for a minute.  If the land was like they described it, there were only twelve scouts and if they got into a fight, they could have been whipped pretty bad.  Second, Joshua knew what the Lord said about the promised land.  He knew that God told them to go into that land and live there.  When he was faced with a situation that looked different that what God told them about it, he didn't get upset.  He just expected God to do something about the situation.  He knew that God would fix it.  Let me stop here for a minute and ask, what situations are you facing in your life right now?  Are there things in your life that seem like they don't line up with what God has to say?  Maybe you need healing in your body or your spirit.  Well Jesus said in 1 Peter 2:24 that his body was broken and because it was, we were healed.  Start setting your heart and mind on what God said and don't let what your situation looks like scare you.  It cannot stand up to the word of God.

Lastly, Joshua was so passionate about what he believed God said that he was willing to stand up for what he believed the Lord wanted.  Like the country music song says, you have to stand for something or you will fall for anything.

Well it's happened again.  I have blogged myself happy and that's another of the Minion's bible stories.

Christmas Part 4

Hello everyone.  Merry Christmas!  Today, I want to post the last installment of my version of the Christmas story.  It's the part of the story I think we are most familiar with.

When we left Joseph and Mary, they were headed to the town of Bethlehem.  Now Bethlehem is basically part of Jerusalem.  You might consider it a suburb because it is about 5 miles from Jerusalem.  So David and Mary go there but apparently there are a whole bunch of folks in town for this census thing.  Because of this, they can't find a room anywhere at any of the hotels.  This is a pretty bad thing because Mary is 9 months pregnant.

In Texas, I can tell you this would have been really bad news.  See they had to stay in a barn with no central heat and air.  Today as I write this, it's 41 degrees Fahrenheit outside in Fort Worth.  Not many women could handle being 9 months pregnant and actually giving birth to a baby in a barn under those circumstances.  Now ladies, I don't mean this as a slight against you.  I was in the room for the birth of all three of my children and after seeing what their mother went through, I don't know one man who could handle giving birth to a child under any circumstances!  But there they were and that is where Jesus was born - in a barn.  They wrapped him in a blanket and used the animal's feeding trough as a baby crib.  It's pretty amazing to thing that the greatest person ever to walk the earth was born in such lowly circumstances.  Do you find yourself living below where you would like?  Well, take heart.  Jesus started in exactly the same situation.  Guess what, he came out of that situation.  It didn't happen because he was the Son of God, it happened because he had faith in God and now you and I can operate in that same type of faith.

So at the instant that Jesus was born, there were these sheppards in a field keeping watch over their flocks and an angel of the Lord appeared to them.  I wonder why God chose them instead of anyone else?  He could have chosen the religious leaders or maybe even the government but he chose these sheppards.  When the angel shows up, the glory of the Lord shone all around these guys and it freaked them out.  They must have thought this was some type of alien that appeared out of no where in the sky.  They were terrified.  The first thing the angel said was, "Don't be afraid."  He went on to say, "I bring you news that is great for everyone.  Today in Bethlehem, the Savior of the world was born.  He is Christ the Lord.  You can find him wrapped in a blanket staying in a barn."

Suddenly there was a multitude of angels in the sky praising God and saying, "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests."  Then the angels left those guys and went back to heaven.  Naturally these guys wanted to see Jesus so they hurried off to the barn to see Mary, Joseph, and Jesus.  They found them right where the angel said that He would be. 

Now it looks like after reading the bible that there was another set of dudes that showed up after some time.  These other dudes had a lot of money.  Think of people like Bill Gates, the guy who started Facebook, and Warren Buffett.  These cats were loaded.  Now they heard that Jesus was born and went looking for him to give him gifts and when they found Jesus they gave him some pretty expensive stuff.

Luke 2 and Matthew 1.

There is no good way to stop this story because the story has been going on for over 2,000 years now and it will never stop.  I have heard people say that Jesus is the reason for the season.  That's true but remember Jesus is the season.  Everything good about Christmas is a reflection of Christ on the earth.  Always remember that Jesus has a gift ready for you for Christmas this year.  As a matter of fact, it is the first of many gifts that he has planned for you but you have to accept the gift.  It's the gift of salvation.  What does that mean?  Some think it means getting your ticket punched so you can go to heaven but it is so much more than that.  Salvation is the way to get born into a family.  That family is alive all over the world today.  Are you lonely this holiday season?  Do you miss family members?  Maybe you don't have a family at all and you are reading this. 

If that's the case, you can become a member of my family by simply saying this prayer.  "Jesus, I want to be part of your family.  Please come into my heart and make me your brother or sister.  I accept you as my Lord and savior."  It's that simple.  If you prayed that prayer for the first time, would you please let me know.  If that is you, I want to be the first to tell you, welcome to the family.  You are now my brother or sister.  Our brother Jesus is constantly hanging out with our Dad planning good things for us.  If you prayed that prayer, please try to find a good church that will teach you all about our family from our history, to the way we love each other to what our family business is all about.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from the Minion

Joseph - Jesus' Dad

I want us to take a look today at the story of Joseph.  Now when I was a kid, the story of Joseph was about a guy who had a coat that was a bunch of different colors and I will get to that story at some point but today I want to talk about Joseph, Jesus' dad.

We all know that Joseph was Jesus dad but not really.  He was Jesus' step dad.  So why is he important?  Why is he even mentioned?  We only hear about him a couple of times so for years I didn't think he was very important but I was wrong.  This story is a little short but important anyway.

See Mary was the mother of Jesus.  While it is a very miraculous story, I will leave it for another time.  Basically, the Lord came to Mary and he started her pregnancy without them having sex.  Mary was a virgin at the time she gave birth to Jesus.  See Luke Chapter 1.

But what about Joseph.  Did you know that the Lord chose Joseph out of millions of people on the earth.  Why did the Lord choose Joseph?  We know that God doesn't just do things without thinking about them and He certainly wouldn't choose someone to be the step father to His son without thinking about it.  So why?  The answer was because Joseph was a man of integrity who knew the Lord's voice when he heard it and knew how to obey God when God told him to do something.  Let's look a little closer at this story.

So here's what happens.  Joseph and Mary are engaged to be married.  Before they actually get to the marriage part and the honeymoon, Joseph finds out that Mary is pregnant.  Now put yourself in Joseph's place for a minute.  You are engaged to this girl and she comes up to you and says, "Joe, I know we are engaged but I want you to know that I am pregnant."  My first thought would be that she cheated on me and I would be really mad.  On top of that, how would you handle it if she said, "Joe, there's one more thing.  I didn't have sex.  The Lord just made me pregnant."  Now I don't mind people who lie to me when they tell me a story but don't insult my intelligence.  At least make the story a believable one.  That would make me even madder and I would definitely dump that chick.

This is exactly what Joseph had in mind.  He was going to dump her.  But here is where we get our first good look at Joseph's character.  The bible says he was a real good guy.  Now back then, Joseph could have gotten Mary in a lot of trouble for what he thought she did.  And after all, no one had ever heard of such a completely made up story like the Lord made her pregnant.  But because he was a good guy, Joseph had mercy on her and decided that he would just dump her very quietly not wanting to make a big deal out of this whole thing.  I would say that man knew something about giving mercy.  I don't know if I could have done it.

So as he was sitting around thinking about this stuff he fell asleep.  Now I can just see this.  He is sitting in his favorite chair thinking this whole thing over.  Have you ever been through a situation where someone made you really mad.  Maybe a boyfriend or girlfriend dumped you.  Were you able to go to sleep?  I can tell you I would have been up all night thinking about this stuff over and over again.  But not Joseph, he fell asleep.  That is another thing God needed in Jesus' step dad.  He needed someone who could stay at peace even in a really tough situation.  Because later, Joseph would face some much tougher ones.  People would want to kill his step son Jesus.

Well while he is sleeping, the Lord appears to him in a dream.  Basically God appears and says don't be afraid to take Mary as your wife because that crazy story she told you about the Holy Spirit making her pregnant is true.  She didn't cheat on you.  Oh by the way, you are going to call this boy Jesus and he will be save his people from their sins.

OK, so what would you have done if you were Joseph's friend and he told you this story?  First of all, I would tell him that dream was just wishful thinking.  That there was no way this girl got pregnant without cheating on him and that he needed to wake up.  I would have told him that I knew he was a great guy because he didn't make a public example of her.  I would have said that she didn't deserve such a great guy like him and that I though his dream was just what he wanted to believe, that he didn't hear from God.  That was crazy.  The bible doesn't say this but I bet some of his friends told him that very thing.

But Joseph knew he had heard the voice of God.  Joseph must have had some practice to know when it was really God and he was convinced enough that this was God to do what he was told.  How many times have we heard the Lord tell us to do something?  Maybe the Lord told us to do something nice for a friend or say something nice to a family member and we didn't.  Now here the Lord tells Joseph to take this woman as his wife but not to have sex.  He tells him what to name the kid and Joseph just trusts the Lord and does exactly what the Lord tells him to do.

25.

That's another Bible story by the Minion.

David and Bathsheba

OK.  For all you teenagers who are used to sex and violence on TV, this is a story of sex and violence right out of the bible.  Here are some facts about David.  The bible says that David was a man after God's own heart.  He is one of the greatest kings in all the bible and he was Jesus' great great ... great grandfather.  As a matter of fact, God chose David to replace King Saul and God knew David was going to screw up pretty big time before it even happened.

Now it was the time of the year when armies went out to war.  So King David sent his army out to destroy some dudes called the Ammonites but David didn't go with them.  He stayed at the capital, Jerusalem.  Now David was a warrior and had been all his life.  I suspect, David was a little bored because he didn't get to go out with the rest of his army like normal.  So David was up walking around the roof of his house and he spots this hot chick.  She is naked and taking a bath.  Her name was Bathsheba.  Well naturally, this got David all hot and bothered.  The thing was, David had a whole bunch of wives and even more mistresses.  Back in those days it was cool and so that's what he did.  So in the bible at that time, David had more than one wife and God was cool with this (see 2 Samuel 12:8).

The problem was this lady was already the wife of a guy named Uriah.  Now I am not really sure whether or not David raped her or not.  But it seems kind of close.  He sent messengers who took her to David and they got it on.  Unfortunately for David, it wasn't safe sex.  They didn't have condoms or the pill in those days so he knocked Bathsheba up (she got pregnant with David's kid).  This was really bad.  So far, David is a pervert for watching her take a bath, he's an adulterer for having sex with her while she was still married and I think according to today's standard's he's a rapist.  This is a long way from the boy who killed Goliath but the worst was yet to come.

David knew he would be in trouble for knocking Bathsheba up so he tried to cover up his sin.  Bathsheba's husband was in the army and was out killing the Ammonites with David's army.  So David sent for him to come home.  When Uriah got home he went to see the king and the king pretty much told him to go home and have sex with his wife.  David thought that this would fix things.  They didn't have paternity tests in those days so if Uriah had sex with Bathsheba after David did, everyone could claim the baby was Uriah's and the situation would be fixed right?  Well Uriah was a good guy and he wouldn't go home to his wife.  He didn't know she was pregnant and he told the king that he couldn't go home to her and have sex knowing that all his buddies were out there fighting.  He slept over at the palace and headed back to the front.  Now David was really in a tough spot.  He couldn't lie about the pregnancy thing and he was about to get in a lot of trouble.  So he devised the worst plan yet.

His commanding general was a dude named Joab.  So he sent orders to Joab telling him that he wanted Uriah placed on the front lines of the fight.  Now the Israeli army was surrounding this town that was protected by walls.  They were working on taking the town.  But this could be tricky business.  So David told Joab to attack the city with Uriah on the very front line.  Then David told Joab to retreat so that the Ammonites could whack Uriah.  Problem solved.  Uriah gets killed during the battle and David marries Bathsheba.  That's exactly what happened.  After Uriah got killed in the fight, David married Bathsheba but there was a little problem of the Lord.  See the Lord saw the whole thing and he didn't let David get away with any of it.  David got punished.  But David did something that many people didn't do.  He asked the Lord to forgive him and the Lord did.  David went on to be a great king and lived to a very old age.  What's more, he had another kid with Bathsheba named Solomon.  Solomon went on to be the smartest dude in the whole world.

So what bad things have you done today?  David was an adulterer, a pervert who watched women bathe (that was pornography from 3000 years ago), a rapist, an attempted liar and a murderer all rolled into one dude.  Even after all that, God still forgave him and used him to do big things.  So I want you to understand that sometimes we make mistakes but even when we make really bad ones, God doesn't leave us or abandon us.  Even when we make colossal mistakes, God still has a really good plan for our lives.  No matter what you have done, God has great plans in store for you.  Don't ever give up on you.  God never does.

This story came from 2 Samuel 11 and 12.

That's the Minion's version of David and Bathsheba